Let me just answer this by saying, coaching 4 and 5 year old kids is like dumping a bucket of mice on a field and watching them scatter. To my defense, I did not volunteer to be a soccer coach. Ann Marie’s coach was going to be out of town and asked me if I could help. Of course, I can help. I spent the entire week leading up to my debut full of anxiety because; 1, I have never played soccer in my life, and 2, because they are 4 and 5 year OLDS! I am a seasoned enough mother to know this is the age of bipolar personalities with the attention span of nonexistent.
This entire event only lasted an hour.
Longest. Hour. Ever.
First, I had to gather all the little ones in a single area to give instructions. This proved to be impossible. I got half the kids together in a circle then while I was coaxing the rest, the original group disbanded in 5 different directions for no reason what so ever. After about 5 minutes I think I managed to get all the kids together and started explaining the drill we were going to start with, when:
one kid holds his finger up and says: “I got this big owee last night.”
I say: ”Oh.. ouch.”
Then another kid: ”I have an owee on my knee.”
Me: ”Oh.. wow.” Then another kid… and another and another….
Our circle time of instruction ended up feeling like I was at an old folks home listening to the power hour of the latest ailment issues with preschoolers.
(Dear God, Please let this hour feel like a minute…)
I suffered through the first half hour and finally – GAME TIME! We have 9 kids on our team, with 5 players on the field at a time, so we have to sub in and out the other 4 players.
I had my 5 starting kids, within 30 seconds I only had 3 on the field. WHERE did they go? I scan the sidelines for my crew. One is getting a drink and the other is pulling up grass and throwing it in the air (yeah – I could totally be happy doing that right now too, but DUDE, we have a game to play!). I sub in two different kids. Another 30 seconds goes by and I have 3 again. Who wants to play the game? All the parents are trying to get their kids out on the field. Whatever, don’t be a hater parents….but my free hour of coaching does not include trying to reason with your bipolar, inattentive ankle biter who would rather stare at rainbows in the sky than play your beloved sport of Soccer. Oh… oops, did I say that out loud?
After a full hour of herding large mice, the game was over, snack was dished out and I walked off the field confident that I will NEVER do this again. Unless, of course, someone asks me to ‘help’ because, of course I can help!
The front parking spot. The fabulously close, front row spot of your dreams. If you park in this place you are afforded the opportunity to reach the doors without effort. Simply open your car door, walk 10 feet, and the destination is at your feet. A spot like this is highly sought after. The desire to be at the front, to be in the lead, to be number one is ingrained in all humanity. The power and glory that comes to those who park here is unfathomable.
Why are we not satisfied in the second closest spot? Always looking for that first spot, passing many acceptable places along the way to achieve more. To gain the splendor which this spot guarantees? Who ever told us this spot surpasses the other places? Why do we believe this to be true?
I have parked in the front spot. Life is not superior when you park in this place. Many seek this prominent place all their life only to find once you have parked, the responsibility to uphold the mythical being know as the ‘predominant place’ is too much to bare. Your feet become anchors of impossibility as you try to walk to your destination. With each step you hold your poise to perfection. Not allowing any piece of your false achievement to be shown to others.
This spot gives no one an upper hand. It is simply another destination of wisdom to gain foresight and realize our shortcomings. Perhaps humbling us along the way.
WHO…. invented the Magic Eraser? Please identify yourself because I want to give you a Starbucks gift card to say THANK YOU. I do NOT get endorsements, nor do I do them on my blog – so this is not for the benefit of advertising rather for the benefit of every mother who is sick and tired of scrubbing with all their might to clean their bathrooms.
What is in the Magic Eraser? WHAT is it that makes it so easy to get all the grime off your tub, counter or toilets? It IS freaking magic! That is all I have to say about that….
Let’s move onto toothpaste. Why has no one invented toothpaste for kids that doesn’t turn into cement the moment it leaves the tube and lands on the ceiling, floor, baseboards, light switch, cabinet doors, light bulbs and any other place that mysteriously toothpaste lands. I long for the day when someone goes on Shark Tank and announces they have revolutionized every mother’s life with easy clean toothpaste!
And finally, can you tell, I was cleaning my kiddo’s bathroom today. I admit, I have avoided that room of all rooms in our house like it was contaminated and no one should go in there. Something came over me today and I mustered up the gumption to get out the rubber gloves and tackle the monster. It was not nearly as bad as I thought (ahem – Magic Eraser) and cleaning the bathroom gave me the very idea of …… cement-less toothpaste for kids.
While I was on all fours cleaning around the toilet base, I looked behind me and Ze Cow was drinking a glass of wine saying: I’d help, but I don’t have apposable thumbs. Sometimes I hate that cow. What is Ze Cow? Click the link – to find out more about my friend Ze Cow.
The other day I was looking all over my desk for my pen, moving papers, lifting the keyboard, and crawling under the desk. Where the F is my pen… I looked for at least a minute. Then realized I was holding my pen in my mouth.
I am a genius.
I found a gray hair again… The single lonely reminder of how last week I was in my 20′s and now – I am much wiser and the youth of today are totally different than when I was young… Just sayin…..
Heels are painful, but OMG they look so cute….. Oh Puke.
Today on Facebook I saw an ad for wedding ring sets at Wal-Mart, they were $10.99. I Love You Baby…..
Anyone who knows me will agree – I am never satisfied. I am not talking about with my family or friends. I am talking about stationary life. What is wrong with me? My thoughts are consumed with the next best thing and the next best place. Exploration baby! Exploring is about experiencing and you need more than a week to really experience someplace new.
In trying to sort out what ‘I want to be when I grow up’, I came across this quiz - ”Who You Are Meant To Be“. I took it fully expecting to have a complete life plan in place for me at the end. What I ended up with only confirmed I am a bonafide loon who cannot be helped.
My results: I am – Striving to Be Spontaneous. I am an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and are not afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you’re a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you’re less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.
And then they went on to say I may end up being self-destructive blah blah blah…. Who better to destroy than one’s own self!
They make suggestions, for example: try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences you won’t always feel the urge to bust free. Let me just say, if I was ever to appreciate repetitiveness I am certain hell would freeze over and the Devil himself would create the world’s largest Ice Bar - like in Vegas. Fur coats would be handed out at the door and a hefty admission would be charged for people to sit on ice blocks, drink copious amounts of alcohol and gamble away all their financial responsibilities. Hmmm… Maybe I will have to add that to my list of ideas.
Another suggestion (as if they don’t know who they are talking to): And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Obviously the quiz has NO idea who I really am. Because if someone tells me….. that my idea and opportunity is not good for me. I am now more invested in my idea than before.
And finally: As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you’re a natural entrepreneur. You’ll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.
I can agree with this statement. The only problem is funding my adventures…… Maybe I need to start croudsourcing my next endeavor.
Me: Hey, have you seen the latest Doc McStuffins?
Me: Yeah, the one where she says to the Jack in the Box, “I will straighten your crank Big Jack.”
Me: That was hilarious, I don’t know how she said it was a straight face!
I think dooms day peppers are really people evolving into Prairie Dogs.
I think in a past life IT guys were really honey badgers.
Sometimes I think my dog is over acting when he gives me puppy dog eyes.
I vow to one day make the certifiably cheapest product on earth.
What made this weekend awesome…read on… especially number 4:
- I drove my 7th love around like I was a sports car driver. OK… not like a 20 something driving a sports car but like a conservative grandma driver. But it was fabulous! Love this car….
- Making paper mache’ asteroids with Knight and Ann Marie. Talk about a really messy project! Knight reminds me of our dog the moment he gets out of the bath, he has an uncontrollable compulsion to shake. Knight has that same compulsion when his hands get in the gooey wet four mixture. Yep, the ceiling is now covered in flour specks.
- The new age mom’s group…. wine:3o! Indeed one of the most essential mom’s groups ever. It is the ultimate hybrid in play groups. Screw the mom’s gathering in the park to discuss the daily dish on their size zero troubles. Moms wine, dine and chat about real world problems while the kids play until someone has a melt down or gets hurt!
- And finally….. My church is AWESOME! Our Pastor is the most awesome human ever. He is not afraid to call it like he sees it and call it in front of over four thousand people. He was telling a story about how he is like a dad to the church staff, every once in a while he holds an all staff meeting to go over some of the things he expects etc. They were all reasonable things…. then he says: “And item number 4 is for the ladies. Ladies, if you raise your hand above your head and all of a sudden your vagina is exposed, your dress is too short!” I could not stop laughing for the next 5 minutes. Dude! You said what MANY people want to say out loud! That was the highlight of my weekend no doubt.
OH.. How could I forget. Check out this total awesomeness! Creative thinking from Colorado Department of Transportation. Good job guys on the trickery! CDOT replaces mile marker number 420 with 419.99. Not even kidding – see for yourself here.
My job is a house cleaner, chef, riot officer, negotiator, doctor, counselor, occasionally a psychiatrist, and an expert finder. This week I had two occasions of 5 minute intervals of free time. A rare occurrence indeed. A true opportunity to look deep inside the think tank and produce a few compelling thoughts. Here it is people…a peak inside my brain:
- What if pets were really aliens. Lets say they were banished to Earth from their planet because they were the laziest aliens ever in the universe. We humans are naïve enough to wait on them hand and foot. Every time I look at my cat and dog they are sleeping. Occasionally, I give then a nudge and lip the word ‘asshole’ while they are sleeping. Am I jealous? Maybe.
- Will I drive like an old person when I am old? How do I prevent myself from smelling like an old person? And is there a way to prevent myself from being confused about everything? I really do love old people…. maybe I have a deep rooted fear of becoming old. You think?
- While in Knight’s classroom for a Christmas party I could not help but wonder how this teacher does this everyday? I was in the classroom for 30 minutes and was hoping the fire alarm would go off so we had to evacuate and I could get away. Maybe there is something wrong with me….
- Why is the moon out while the sun is out?
- Like the whole which came first the chicken or the egg concept…. Do you think entertainers we completely screwed up before they were ever famous? Or do you think fame screwed them up?
And…. my 5 minutes are up….. back to inventorying the house for the next time someone needs help finding their stuff.
Because we go along the crazy psychiatrists and psychologist theory that it’s a good time to connect. And connect we do my friends!
Most nights it goes something like this.
Ewe! Ewe! Ewe! I am not eating that. That’s disgusting.
Then as only good parents would do, we say: Eat your dinner or you won’t get dessert. And then the children whine. And then we say, ok, take 5 bites. And then they whine some more taking the next 25 minutes to take a single bite then spit it out and so on.
Occasionally we make food our kids like. Mostly we make grown up food because we secretly want our children to suffer.
The other night I made the most awesome broccoli cheddar soup. Oh. YUM! Ann Marie tries a bite and yells: “I’m not eating this. It’s POISON!” as she jumped down from the table and ran into the other room. Apparently she’s onto me.
The rest of the family continues eating poison when Beau says: “Does marriage sounds like death…”. Hubby rapidly responded through laughter ”YES”. Humph…. I see withholdings in his future…..
Aye yes… God is great, beer is good, and kids are entertaining (and now you’re singing that song)!
“Ann Marie.” I yell, “Let’s go swimming!”
Swimming lessons day! Like most 4 year olds she loves swimming. Nothing lights a fire under her quicker than the ‘let’s go swimming’ call. She was suited up and ready to go in less than 2 minutes, which is more than a miracle.
We get to the pool, potty first so she doesn’t have to take time out of the pool to go!
I assume my position on the bench while she joins her teacher on the side of the pool. The 4 year olds line the side eager to jump in. Excitedly they launch off the edge, one by one.
Not a single second more than 5 minutes into the 30 minute lesson, Ann Marie swallowed a bunch of water, gagged, then promptly puked a tiny bit in the pool.
Suddenly, three whistles were blowing long and loud. Life guards were motioning with long arms for everyone to clear the pool. At first I was sure someone was drowning, then in slow motion my mind began to connect the dots and I realized this is for the preschool puke in the pool. From the sidelines I felt my face rapidly change from white to neon red, not just neon red but neon red with an highly visible flashing arrow pointing directly over my head. I know I should not pray for such things but suddenly I found myself praying to be invisible.
Everyone hightails it out of the pool where they announce the pool is now closed for clean up for the next 3o minutes. (Please, dear Lord if you can make me invisible for the next 10 minutes I swear I will be the most perfect person ever, second to you). Nope, still visible…
The teacher comes over with Ann Marie who was now crying and reassured her that even he puked once in the pool.
And that was it.
Lessons were over, Ann Marie’s rice cake puke shut down the entire pool. There are no words to explain this to preschoolers. Remember all the clips of the children crying when Jimmy Kimmel asked parents to pretend they ate all their Halloween candy? Yeah…I am sorry children, I know you only started your lesson 5 minutes ago but some kid puked in the pool and ruined it for everyone else. I am certain I heard a few parents whisper that to their tots. Maybe I didn’t actually hear that but I am certain they were thinking it.
In all my years of mothering there are a lot of “first time that happened”. This one may take them all. If only Ann Marie knew how much power she has when it comes to puking. This kid shut down an entire community center pool! Talk about Girl Power!
Has your child ever had the whole place shut down?