A few weeks back Beau was all dolled up and going to her prom with a few girlfriends. As I drove them to the restaurant they contemplated about how embarrassing it would be if they were the only ones dressed up.

Beau: What if there are no other Prom kids at the restaruant?  What if we are like the only ones.  Like how embarrassing.

I dropped them off and as I was driving away I see two huge SUV’s full of prom kids.  Immediately, I grabbed my phone, pulled in an empty parking area and excitedly texted my daughter – and wham – like rapid fire I hit SEND.

Right as I hit send I noticed that auto correct made its own random correction. Oh… No… It… DIDN’T!

Here is a my text message (as my daughter then posted on her Facebook).

A week or so later…. My daughter texted me about needing some hours for something or another.  I responded quickly and again – right as I hit send I noticed auto correct was messing with me again!

Auto correct has it in for me…..

Need I say more…  What is your auto correct text nightmare?

The Stare-down…

The Staredown...

We got a new cat in 2011 – his name is Boone. I love him! He hates everyone. He comes up and rubs against your leg as if to say “pet me”, you reach your hand down to give him a little love and the little monster bastard grabs your hands with both claws and begins gnawing on your hands as if they are a piece of freshly killed meat. Several times while Knight was napping I kept hearing this hissing noise, upon investigation I find Boone sitting with his face an inch away from Knight, who was in a deep slumber. The cat – hissing right in his face over and over again. Apparently Boone had many colorful words for Knight. Honestly, even for how bizarre that is I am certain Knight deserves it for the harassment that he unleashes at times toward the cat.

Last year Santa brought us a puppy. In keeping with the “Lost” themed pet names we call him Locke. He is a STELLAR dog. There is no biting, no barking, nothing that is beyond bizarre. I LOVE him! Everyone does. Everyone that is except my arms. The weirdest thing about that dog is when I am petting him my arms start to itch nonstop. The more I pet him the more they itch.

I conclude, there is no perfect anything in the world. Everyone and everything has some kind of element of itchy arms and other weirdness.

Knight Expert in Climbing

With the new purchase of our home naturally a trip to the Man Store was in order. Top item on the list – a Ladder! Apparently there is an unspoken law about ladders. Hubby did not have one and you cannot be a man without it.

Today while hanging pictures, one was particularly high; hubby excitedly goes to the garage to get his newest addition (yep, his ladder). While he was up on the ladder measuring the wall, Knight, with his head back staring straight up at his daddy with a perplexed look and says:

Dad, are you sure you know what you are doing?

It is moments like these you just cannot capture on a Hallmark card!

We just bought a new house. We have been in the home for less than two weeks. Honestly, I would have thought we could have held off more than two weeks before we get a single ding can’t we?

Ding # 1 – Hubby. He put up temporary blinds, attached them just above the window on the wall. A day later he took them down and along with them came the paint!

Ding # 2 – Hubby. He dropped a bottle on the hard wood floor and it landed weird and ended up putting a circle dent on the hard woods.

Ding # 3 – DOG & CAT. Seriously…. Our dog and cat BOTH have never been sick, but you know what. There is a first time for everything and there is no better time to have a dog and cat diarrhea and vomit party… On the new carpet! I am NOT even kidding people.

Ding # 4 – BEAU. She got her permit last month. For the most part she is doing pretty well! Three days after they laid the sod and created our insta-lawn, Beau was backing out of the driveway and rolled over a portion of the lawn (which was totally saturated from just being watered). There is now about a 4 inch tire track sunk in our lawn.

I am over it… I pretty much never got too upset (well except for the dog and cat mess – that is wrong on every level). Our house will be well lived in, just the kind of family we are!

When my hubby read this then asked what Ding have I done?  My reply was there is not much that can be done about being perfect – I am what I am!    I will probably be the one who accidentally drives through the garage door without opening it or something like that!

What was your first Ding?  How did you handle it?

I am super excited to be joining in on the party fun brought to you by 5 Minutes for Mom .  This is my first year attending – Looking forward to meeting tons of other bloggers in the process!
 

For all those who are new to The Second Set…. Hello there!  I am a mother of five children with a span of 20 years between my oldest and youngest.  I write about life with my family – primarily humorous things that happen in the day in a life!  I work full time, blog when I get the chance and can be found on Twitter and Facebook.

Welcome – take a look around and feel free to leave links to your blogs!  I forgot to mention I am an AVID blog reader – who needs books when you have so many mommies with a story to tell!

Knight: What if mom was a monster with a diarrhea gun?

Dad: He was pretty much speechless due to uncontrollable laughter.

When my husband filled me in on my new role, my reaction, pretty much the same as his, uncontrollable laughter.

I told my engineer coworkers about it the next day.  Again, laughter, then their engineer brains kicked in and they wondered how would you go about loading a diarrhea gun?

I believe Knight got my warped sense of humor, which was passed down from my father to me.  At least we are keeping it consistent.

Amen

Wouldn’t it be funny if I look at my Google Analytics and see someone finds this story because they searched for engineer diarrhea gun, I will again find myself with uncontrollable laughter!

It was a beautiful sunny day as my hubby, myself, Knight and Ann Marie started out on our trek into the mountains.  Armed with snacks, water, and each child a back pack full of Hot Wheels for the mountain dirt and rocks. The trail was filled with people out enjoying the day with their dog; the warm sunshine tends to bring out everyone. 

One couple stopped and we chatted with them for a few minutes about our dog and their two dogs.  The lady was kneeling at eye level to Ann Marie who was having a blast petting the woman’s Golden Retriever.  Suddenly, my little ray of sunshine 3 year old looks the lady square in the face and says: 

My dog has a penis. 

Um.. Awkward!  Indeed – our dog does have a penis.  Typically we don’t go around announcing it to the world, perhaps Ann Marie was worried that since our dog is small and therefore he has a small penis, that she needs to make a public service announcements to ensure our puppy does not feel inadequate in anyway. 

I guess she is just hyper aware of his sensitivity to his teeny peenie.  Or maybe it is just that she is 3.  I am leaning toward the latter.

<—–Insert record needle being dragged across the vinyl here——> (those of you who don’t know what a record is or how the needle sounds as it goes across the vinyl click here)

Today started as such.  Nearly 70 degrees of pure sunshine heaven.  Perfect day to venture to the park!

The plan was to take our puppy, Locke, to the dog park, then go on a walk on the open space trail and end at the playground for Knight and Ann Marie.

We load up the car with babies, big people and puppy and we’re off!

Park Arrival

We all walked hand in hand, hair blowing in the wind, as the sun glimmers on our perfect family.  Oh wait..  insert the record needle again….  We get out of the car, kids run wildly toward the dog park, the dog give one big yank on the lease and it jerks out of my hand sending the dog running toward another dog twice his size.  I run like a 42 year old, not exactly in the best shape, crazy mom trying to get control over my 15 pound dog.  In the mean time, Knight somehow twists his leg/ankle/foot – not even sure which one and now wants to be carried.

The Dog Park

Dog park goes smoothly except the two piles of dog poop that sat waiting like landmines for some innocent victim to stumble upon. Just as Knight is walking toward the poop, I open my mouth to say LOOK OUT – except what comes out is some kind of slow motion noise.  L……O……..O……….K……..   O……….U……..T…………  for the poop, as he walks right through the first pile.  I open my mouth for a second warning and if we were a TV show the speed on my video would be slowed way down and Knights would speed up until the moment his foot hit the pile, then the footage slows down to show his foot planted squarely over the pile, then full weight of his body stepping down in the pile. While he is trying to figure out what I said, then backs his foot out of the pile and back onto the first pile of poop he stepped in.  BEAUTIFUL….  For those of you who don’t know… I have a HUGE dog poop phobia (and public bathrooms).   Knights shoes are now both contaminated with poop.  All I want to do is throw them away.  If I ever win the lottery – rest assured that will be my first investment – TONS of shoes in the event my kids ever step in poop.

The Hiking Trail

We start off on the trail, hubby, puppy and Ann Marie are trucking along.  Knight, not so much.  He is limping and about twenty feet in he wants me to carry him.  Needless to say we opted out of our trail hike and decided to head right over to the playtoy.

The Playtoy

The sun brings out everyone!  The park was packed with kids of all ages playing like it was the first time in months anyone had been there, and it likely was.  Ann Marie and Knight climb to the top of the playtoy; the puppy bolted and jerked the leash out of hubbys hands, sending him off chasing the monster.  My mommy fear of my children being mauled over by the group of 10 year old boys atop the playtoy was cut short by my husband running up to me yelling - WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!

I turn to say: huh?  Only to see him with his hand cupped in his nose and blood pouring out like a faucet.

What?

Moments ago we were nothing short of Ward, June, Wally and Beaver and our little dog too.  Now, I have no idea what happened, my husband is dripping blood and hightailing it to the car as fast as he can.  I am climbing the big playtoy trying to pull Ann Marie and Knight down, unwillingly of course.

We get to the car, I look at hubs who now has his jacket cupped around his face, and say: HUH?  What happened?

Apparently, he was running full speed ahead when out of nowhere (sort of like the monsters on Scooby Doo) this monkey bar thing slammed into his face with a force so hard it knocked him flat on his back.  Naturally my first instinct was to laugh hysterically at the sheer vision I had created of his tale.  However, the pool of blood in his coat made me reconsider.

We got home and after he assessed the damage, he took off his ball cap and on his forehead, was one of those insta bumps like in Bugs Bunny when Daffy Duck gets hit over the head with a frying pan.  Turns out, he walloped his head first then finished off his gnarly trick with a monkey bar rail slide down his nose.

I am NOT EVEN KIDDING that ALL this happened.  Not really what I had in mind for a family fun day at the park! This whole excursion left me feeling like I was Clark Griswold from the National Lampoon’s Vacation Series.

What really happens?  I get my cup of coffee, place it on the windowsill behind the couch. Plop my chunky monkey butt down on the couch in preparation of mindless wall staring.  Ahhh, I can almost feel the total relaxation.  

D’oh!  Within a minute, the cat is on the windowsill and knocks over my coffee!  My beautiful full cup of coffee that was screaming out my name …Jenny…sip me…. Oh so good, piping hot deliciousness!  And I did not get a SINGLE sip.

Cleaning the mess I think to myself, who needed that coffee anyhow, it is late after all. I would be up for hours. Indeed, it was a sign.

Ahhh, back on the badonkadonk, when I begin to feel like Dr. Dolittle or maybe snow white when she puts out her hand and the birds gently land on her arm and all the animals of the forest surround her singing cheerfully.  Except for me it is the cat that sits on the back of the couch behind my head and thinks my hairs is some kind of monster threat that he must immediately attack with fully opened claws and kill.  And my lap has become a puppy playground to include shark like puppy teeth puncturing my cozy socked feet. 

So I guess it’s really not anything like the Snow White scenario. Oh if only.

I throw the cat, grab a puppy chew toy and allow him to remain on my lap.  Ahhhh let the peace begin!

Within moments, cat is back. This time the look in his eyes tell me he promises to be good.  Like the sucker I am, I allow him to remain.  Puppy falls asleep on my lap, cat begins to snooze into slumber next to my head.  I begin to feel like Snow White.  If the toddler and preschooler were awake, rest assured they would squeeze in on my lap where ever they could.

Let the relaxation begin!

I got my eye on you

Boone is our cat, named after the character on Lost whom we loved so much; world meet Boone – Boone meet world.

Boone sleeps in the laundry room at night for a number of good reasons. Primarily, because he tries to climb under my covers at night, annoying right? But worst still is that he bites my legs relentlessly. It’s like he’s a man with some sort of sick fetish!

Lately, Boone has sought revenge on me, probably because I won’t allow him to chomp on my legs like Bill on Sookie! Anyhow, when I let him out of the laundry room in the morning I find he’s dragged his pooper scooper and every available dirty sock from the laundry pile into his litter box.

Who does this people! There is cat sh*t and pee in that box. Now I have to dig it out!

During the night Boone also takes his Tidy Cat litter, stands on his hind legs, scoops it up in his hands and throws it wildly around the room. Well, I don’t actually know how he gets it all over the room but I figure there can only be one way. I had enough; I was going to outsmart the dude by replacing his litter with pellet litter! Hah! I showed him…

Or did I…

Apparently the pellet litter was mighty appetizing to my little orange hater. Because two days later, I am all smug in the fact that I don’t have to walk into a laundry room full of tiny Tidy Cat sandstone floors any longer – I open the door to let him out…

VOMIT!

EVERYWHERE!

And I mean everywhere.

I don’t even know how he could have that much in him. My little exorcist must have stood again on his hind legs in the litter box saying to himself: “Oh, she thought Tidy grits were bad..wait until she gets a load of this!” then he proceeded to projectile vomit all over the room. Again, I cannot guarantee that he said that but really…what else could he possibly have said!

But wait, there is more…. Yesterday when my husband was getting our 2 year old to nap he was lying on the bed and fell asleep with her. Only to be awoken by this violent HISSING sound, he looks up to see the cat face to face with Ann Marie hissing at the sleeping baby! Then, tonight Knight screams from his bed as he was almost asleep, Boone is hissing at me!! Sure as sh*t the devil cat was by his bed sitting there hissing and looking at me like – you wanna go Mofo! Oh… we went!

I cringe to think what he is going to do next. Especially when I finally get his nuggets cut off!

What is your cat nightmare story? Surely I cannot be the only one….