Motherhood….  SOME things are NEVER mentioned to you before you have children.

 

All I can say – tape, scissors, tweezers, and pens.

 

WHERE. ARE. THEY!!!

 

Things never taught by your parents is the amazing disappearance of these simple items which seem incredibly insignificant – until YOU NEED THEM!  Children have mastered the art of finding every one of these items and hiding them in the time warp portal where you will surely NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN – unless the tape is empty, the scissors are full of glue, the pens have been deconstructed and reconstructed without the most important item known as the spring or the tweezers are bent 5 separate ways.

Like most working moms I am busy, work consumes my life as of late and children are demanding of me 24/7!  The other night my 9 and 7 year old woke up 4 – Let me repeat that FOUR – That is number 4 as in FOUR TIMES during the night.  Why?  Because there was a monster that was surely ready to eat them.  Ahem – after FOUR – times waking me up – I don’t know how they did not know or fear me – the very MONSTER they were sure was coming to eat them!

So… maybe I am tired….. And my frustration is fueled by my near mental inability to remain human….

Today-  I finally – got around to, after two YEARS, set up my direct deposit on my life insurance.  They bill quarterly so I am always paranoid that I will forget and the next day after it is late something will happen to the Hubs or I, they won’t pay out and of course we will spiral into a pit of despair…  Ok maybe I am over dramatizing it….. SO today…. I finally filled out the paperwork for an automatic payment every quarter to come out of my account!  I was SO dang proud that after two years of “meaning” to do something about this I finally did it!

The instructions and form were simple….fill out a few lines of info, tape a blank check in the provided space, put in the envelope, and stamp and mail!

But….Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

W-H-E-R-E is the tape?  WHERE IS THE EFFING TAPE!   KIDS – WHERE IS THE TAPE?????  Answer?  Uh… I dunno.

OF COURSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THE TAPE IS!!!!

You just don’t want to tell me you hijacked the tape and all the other minor tools that I purchase and put away for when I NEED them!  You sat (QUIETLY – the ONLY TIME IN A MONTH YOU WERE QUITE by the way)  and wanted to see how much tape was on a spool so you just pulled it and pulled it and pulled itALL OF IT into a pile of unused sticky tape cluster mangle, or you wanted to see how much tape it would take to wrap your doll from the top of the head to its toes, or you were trying to get a 3 inch piece of tape but it kept getting tangled so you just had to keep pulling it out until it was GONE!

You get the point – and if you have had kids you KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!

I was not gonna lose….today was a winning day and there was no way I was going to let a little Tapecastrophy cause me to yet again not send my life insurance form!  Quick thinking on my feet – BAND-AIDS!  I am a damn genius.

Batman happens to be the current Band-aid of the week  – so UNUM – Your welcome!

When you open up my form – First I hope you have kids, cause I KNOW – you will immediately appreciate the creativity utilized when the tape you had stockpiled mysteriously disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle and you were forced to utilize the only other sticky item you own!

One day I will look back and remember these times… I will most likely visit my children in their homes, find their tape, scissors and all the other unimportant yet necessary tools of a household and will single-handedly destroy their existence just for FUN!