Motherhood….  SOME things are NEVER mentioned to you before you have children.

 

All I can say – tape, scissors, tweezers, and pens.

 

WHERE. ARE. THEY!!!

 

Things never taught by your parents is the amazing disappearance of these simple items which seem incredibly insignificant – until YOU NEED THEM!  Children have mastered the art of finding every one of these items and hiding them in the time warp portal where you will surely NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN – unless the tape is empty, the scissors are full of glue, the pens have been deconstructed and reconstructed without the most important item known as the spring or the tweezers are bent 5 separate ways.

Like most working moms I am busy, work consumes my life as of late and children are demanding of me 24/7!  The other night my 9 and 7 year old woke up 4 – Let me repeat that FOUR – That is number 4 as in FOUR TIMES during the night.  Why?  Because there was a monster that was surely ready to eat them.  Ahem – after FOUR – times waking me up – I don’t know how they did not know or fear me – the very MONSTER they were sure was coming to eat them!

So… maybe I am tired….. And my frustration is fueled by my near mental inability to remain human….

Today-  I finally – got around to, after two YEARS, set up my direct deposit on my life insurance.  They bill quarterly so I am always paranoid that I will forget and the next day after it is late something will happen to the Hubs or I, they won’t pay out and of course we will spiral into a pit of despair…  Ok maybe I am over dramatizing it….. SO today…. I finally filled out the paperwork for an automatic payment every quarter to come out of my account!  I was SO dang proud that after two years of “meaning” to do something about this I finally did it!

The instructions and form were simple….fill out a few lines of info, tape a blank check in the provided space, put in the envelope, and stamp and mail!

But….Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

W-H-E-R-E is the tape?  WHERE IS THE EFFING TAPE!   KIDS – WHERE IS THE TAPE?????  Answer?  Uh… I dunno.

OF COURSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THE TAPE IS!!!!

You just don’t want to tell me you hijacked the tape and all the other minor tools that I purchase and put away for when I NEED them!  You sat (QUIETLY – the ONLY TIME IN A MONTH YOU WERE QUITE by the way)  and wanted to see how much tape was on a spool so you just pulled it and pulled it and pulled itALL OF IT into a pile of unused sticky tape cluster mangle, or you wanted to see how much tape it would take to wrap your doll from the top of the head to its toes, or you were trying to get a 3 inch piece of tape but it kept getting tangled so you just had to keep pulling it out until it was GONE!

You get the point – and if you have had kids you KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!

I was not gonna lose….today was a winning day and there was no way I was going to let a little Tapecastrophy cause me to yet again not send my life insurance form!  Quick thinking on my feet – BAND-AIDS!  I am a damn genius.

Batman happens to be the current Band-aid of the week  – so UNUM – Your welcome!

When you open up my form – First I hope you have kids, cause I KNOW – you will immediately appreciate the creativity utilized when the tape you had stockpiled mysteriously disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle and you were forced to utilize the only other sticky item you own!

One day I will look back and remember these times… I will most likely visit my children in their homes, find their tape, scissors and all the other unimportant yet necessary tools of a household and will single-handedly destroy their existence just for FUN!

 

With no food in the belly and one glass of fabulous wine down ….girls

I am suddenly feeling slightly nostalgic.   It just dawned on me that today marks my 27th Mother’s Day!  Kaitlyn was just one day old when I celebrated my first Mother’s Day at 19 years old.  I remember like it was yesterday…. first there was the pain a labor and the flash back inside my head of the “birthing classes” and the crazy psycho woman telling everyone labor feels slightly worst than cramps.  I am here to tell you if that lady was standing before me in that moment, as I literally wished I would die of a heart attack rather than go through another second of that pain, – she would no longer be among the living!

As it turns out – over the last 27 years I would go on to have a total of 5 children – all via C-Section thank the Lord Baby Jesus!  Cause I saw a live birth once and as much as I want to call it beautiful – I cannot thank GOD enough that I never had to experience that!

Honestly, I don’t think I have ever benefited more in my life than from my children. I attribute a big part of my humor to them! I want to thank everyone of my kids for giving me the ability to laugh at the moments I thought were utterly un-laughable!  Like the time I saw my oldest (at 5 yrs old) with a baby snake wrapped around her hand and arm, kissing the snake (who pee through their skin by the way), and watching her express amazing joy at the way the snake feels as it crawls along her arm and wraps around her hand and fingers.  Never will forget my response inside my head…. I am 100 percent sure I was screaming and jumping up and down in fear – but on the outside I tilted my lips to the sky in a giant smile and simply agreed that was super cool.  I will NEVER forget that moment – the way my skin crawled – and to this day still does when I think about it.

And all the times Lyn, (who is now 24 years old and married) at 3 years old would ride her bike down the cul-de-sac faster than the bike was ever designed for!  Everyday, she would wipe out on her bike or crash and burn during her daily sprint race down the middle of the street trying to set a new speed record. Everyone in the neighborhood would joke about her perma-scrapped up knees!

How about the time my then 4 year old son called my then 10 year old daughter a Vagina Cake when she was annoying him….. WHO says that and what the hell is a vagina cake? There is no lesson there… only laughter… what can I even say to that – it is unexplainable. 11517_10202233174375282_1174749771_n

OH – and ALL the times that I was late for work!

Why???  Because my child’s socks, which have felt perfectly normal for the past 3 months, suddenly were filled with some kind of toxic chemical which makes them impossible to feel normal and I spend the next 30 minutes trying to find the perfect pair to get the fudge out the door without physically dragging my child to the car.  Or the mornings when you great your teen with “Good Morning” only to be given the the look of the devil and death for NO reason at ALL.  You simply breathed and that is it…  Or the time when I was on a plane and my then 9 month old had lightening speed hands and grabbed my cup of coke and dumped it in my lap which when you are wearing white shorts it turns out coke dries to look similar to pee.  Not to mention….she also had a MAJOR BLOW OUT on the airplane and it leaked out all over my white shorts to add to my now pee pants – I smelled like poo pants.

Then…. there are the times in the grocery store when you have reached the end of the rope, which your children have consciously taken you to the ultimate edge of sanity on purpose!  You snap and scream at the top of your lungs and all the old people around you are looking at you like you are the crazy one…. but the truth is they are too damn old to remember their ankle biters taking them beyond any human mental capacity.maze finger

But…. all the times I have felt like I am going to snap and lose my shit so bad that I will never return to normal again or even remain a custodial parent to my children……and believe me – I have 5 kids ages 27, 24, 19, 9 and 7 – there have been SOOOOOO many I cannot even count – I remain mostly sane.

THE TRUTH IS

I love being a mom, I love all the insane stories I have to tell, I love being challenged on a daily basis to take the high road and not break down and scream out that YOU are the biggest brat I have ever met in my life to my children!  I love when my kids ask me if they can sit on my lap, I love that my kids look at me and love me beyond anything they know…..  As much as I joke about the craziness of parenting (cause if you are a parent you know – the majority of the time you are fighting mental warfare and YOU ARE LOSING!) – I would not trade a moment of my life with my kids for anything in the world.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful and crazy mom’s of the world….. FBJ Graduation

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